Inside the WICB boardroom

Inside the WICB boardroom
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Dave Cameron: Hello everyone. I'm Dave Cameron, President of the West Indies Cricket Board. As some of you already know, we have finally decided to implement the Patterson Report, effective immediately.

Richard Pybus: *sigh* We've been through this already. We curretly don't have the technology to implement the Report.

Dave Cameron: I received a telephone call from the labs last night. There's been a breakthrough.

Richard Pybus: Impossible!

Dave Cameron: That's why I've called this emergency meeting. Mister Nathan, maybe you should tell them the rest.

Vice President Emmanuel Nathan (standing up): At oh eight hundred hours last night, we successfully cloned Shivnarine Chanderpaul. As of nine am this morning, six other Chanderpaul units were  produced. All seven units are undergoing extensive testing, but the results look good. By this time next week, we expect to have a full team ready.

Richard Pybus: Sweet mother of God...

Stuart Williams: Why weren't the other coaches and I informed?

Dave Cameron: It wasn't deemed necessary.

Stuart Williams: Why not?

Vice President Emmanuel Nathan: What he means is, your services are no longer required. All coach, selection and support staff contracts are to be terminated immediately.

Clive Lloyd: You can't just fire us!

Vice President Emmanuel Nathan: I'm sorry Clive, but the Chanderpauls require no coaching. They're faster, stronger, smarter than conventional cricketers. They don't think, move, or feel like you or I do. They-

Richard Pybus: What about the legality of all this?

Dave Cameron: The legal and patent issues have already been resolved

Richard Pybus: But what about ethics? God dammit man, we're creating new life here!

Dave Cameron: That's right Mr Pybus! I swore an oath to bring new life back to West Indian Cricket, to reach into the ashes of our past and lift this region back up onto the altars of history! And dammit, that's what I will do!  If it takes a team full of cloned Guyanaese, so be it!

Mr Mahabir: It occurs to me – sorry, for those of you who don't know, I'm Mister Baldath Mahabir, Chairman of Marketing and Development.

Dave Cameron: Go ahead.

Mr Mahabir: A thought just occurred to me: with a team full of Chanderpauls, our player image rights are reduced. We now only have one player to copyright and market!

Vice President Emmanuel Nathan: Of course, but look at the flipside. With more Chanderpauls comes more victories, with more victories comes the inflation of the Chanderpaul brand. By this time next year, West Indies Cricket will be worth tens of millions, and the Chanderpaul brand even more.

Dave Cameron: We already expect to earn more than before through sponsership deals and noodle sales.

Justice Adrian Saunders: What about the Disciplinary Tribunal? How do we police and manage these...these...monsters?

Vice President Emmanuel Nathan: The Chanderpauls need no management, Mr Saunders. They will not walk away from a game, they will not abandon a tour, they will not betray you, or turn their backs on you, or forfeit a game. The Chanderpaul knows one thing: loyalty to cricket. They need no management.

Dave Cameron: Which brings us to another issue. As per the Patterson Report, the entire West Indies Cricket Board will  be dismantled, and a new leadership committee put in place.

Richard Pybus: You're getting rid of us all?

Dave Cameron: We're all to resign by tomorrow. You, me, the Vice President....we're to be replaced by Chanderpaul Management units within the next 24 hours.

Richard Pybus: This is insane! You can't do this!

Dave Cameron: The future will not be held back any longer, Mr Pybus. There's nothing we can do that a Chanderpaul can't do ten times bett-

Richard Pybus: Sure, the Chanderpaul might know cricket better than us, hell, it might even know management better than us. But CAN IT FEEL, CAN IT LOVE....CAN IT LOOK AT A ROSE AND KNOW WHAT BEAUTY IS!? Good god man...don't you see what you've done!? Cricket is about more than perfection, man. It's about passion! It's about being human!

Dave Cameron grabs Pybus by the neck and presses him against a wall.

Dave Cameron: Listen to me Pybus, you bald headed piece of sh**. I never liked you. I never liked your creepy smile and I never liked your condescending ways. But you know what? I agree with you. I don't like this anymore than you do. But what we want doesn't matter. We've got to get with the program. We're base-line humans. Old school. Out dated. Old tech. And those Chanderpauls out there, like it or not, are bleeding edge. Cutting edge. Right on the line between obsolescence and the f**king face of God. So get down on your knees and start praying to Vishnu, Allah or the fairy f**king godmother for forgiveness, because this time tomorrow we'll all be worshiping a new God.

Cameron drops Pybus and walks toward the door.

Dave Cameron: Evolution stops for no-one. I'd start looking for jobs if I were you.

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On July 1st, 2015, a West Indies team comprised entirely of Chanderpauls played their first game together. The West Indies won. Chanderpaul top scored.

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Dave Cameron: Listen to me Pybus, you bald headed piece of sh!t. I never liked you. I never liked your creepy smile and I never liked your condescending ways.


and I never liked that 3 pm memo to BCCI  

plus the Sunil Narine deadline treatment    >

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