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06 Sep 2014 21:33 - 06 Sep 2014 21:39 #211402
by TRINIDADDY
INSIDE THE WI DRESSING ROOM: PART 4
KRAIGG: Yo, Uncle Shiv, yuh busy?
CHANDERPAUL: What's wrong Kraigg?
KRAIGG: Bravo, Gayle and the others keep laughing at me, saying watching me bat more boring than watching paint dry.
CHANDERPAUL: I see.
KRAIGG: So I was hoping, maybe you could offer me some tips? Maybe teach me to bat a little better?
CHANDERPAUL: No problem. But first of all, you ever actually watch paint dry?
KRAIGG: No
CHANDERPAUL: I have. Just last week I spend 12 hours watching a fence dry down in Berbice.
KRAIGG: But why?
CHANDERPAUL: You see, yuh have to watch paint to understand paint. Yuh have to study paint to be paint. People think paint is just paint, but paint is more than paint. Paint is the finishing touch on every structure, the glue that pulls all other elements together, and more importantly, paint is the first thing the weather tries to chip away at.
KRAIGG: But what does this have to do with cricket?
CHANDERPAUL: Everything, Kraigg! Paint is the essence of a good batsman! Listen, pick up your bat.
KRAIGG: (picks up his bat) Okay.
CHANDERPAUL: Now, your first job as a batsman is to be like paint. But what is the first job of paint?
KRAIGG: To protect the surface upon which it sits.
CHANDERPAUL: Exactly. Protect your wicket. But how does paint protect its surface?
KRAIGG: By being strong and not moving.
CHANDERPAUL: Exactly. Paint is strongest when it does not run.
KRAIGG: Wait, yuh want me not to run?
CHANDERPAUL: Be like dry paint; don't ever move and always stall for time.
KRAIGG: Stall for time? How?
CHANDERPAUL: Look, when you first step onto the field, I want you to spend a good 2 minutes marking your crease with the bails.
KRAIGG: Mark my middle stump, you mean.
CHANDERPAUL: Forget about the middle stump. The key is just to waste time.
KRAIGG: Okay.
CHANDERPAUL: Next, you want to adjust your crotch and box.
KRAIGG: Adjust my crotch?
CHANDERPAUL: Just squat and fondle your gonads a bit. Spend about 20 seconds on this.
KRAIGG: Okay.
CHANDERPAUL: Then, you want to fix both your pads, adjust your helment, fix your chin strap, adjust your gloves, check your face-grill, squat a couple times, fidget, stick out your tongue and open your eyes real wide.
KRAIGG: In that order?
CHANDERPAUL: In any order, just make sure to do it before and after every ball. The key is to make the bowler wait as long as possible.
KRAIGG: But what about when they actually bowl the ball?
CHANDERPAUL: Then you watch the ball and block it. Block it for the first three sessions.
KRAIGG: Three whole sessions?
CHANDERPAUL: Yes. Then when the bowler tired....
KRAIGG: Hit him for six?
CHANDERPAUL: No! Yuh block him some more. Make sure he really tired.
KRAIGG: But Shiv, you sure this approach works?
CHANDERPAUL: Listen Kraigg, yuh have to slow the pace down and burn the opposition with a nice steady pace.
KRAIGG: A steady pace?
CHANDERPAUL: SLOW PACE LIKE FYAH! Trust me, I been killing bowlers this way since 1992.
OTIS GIBSON ENTERS THE ROOM.
OTIS GIBSON: Shiv, the doctor here to give you a fitness checkup.
CHANDERPAUL: Tell him I'm coming
OTIS GIBSON: You said that five hours ago.
CHANDERPAUL: I know. I'll be there just now.
OTIS GIBSON: Shiv, I paying the doctor by the hour, you gonna get me fired!
CHANDERPAUL: No problem boss. I be there in a few minutes.
OTIS GIBSON LEAVES THE ROOM.
CHANDERPAUL: (turns to Kraigg) Okay Kraigg, so as I was saying, slow things down, and be one with the paint. Yuh understand? Be one with the paint.
KRAIGG: I guess so.
CHANDERPAUL: Okay then. See you tomorrow. I gonna take a little lie down.
KRAIGG: What about your fitness check-up?
CHANDERPAUL: I'll catch the doctor tomorrow.
KRAIGG: But Otis said-
CHANDERPAUL: SLOW PACE LIKE FYAH....remember that....
KRAIGG: But-
CHANDERPAUL: LIKE FYAH!
Chanderpaul leaves the room. Otis Gibson is fired 2 days later. Kraigg makes a double century the following week.
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INSIDE THE W.I. DRESSING ROOM: Part 4
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