[ waking up on mornings is a complex, mysterious and extended affair..but an interesting affair as well. exploration of aging can interesting. catching oneself early /myself is a tantalizing process.
I have things to do and I want to get to them but I am never there. I have no control over myself..my intellect that is. I have some: I am lucid, aware, thoughtful, moving good. I go get a bite, a drink but my body..my mind.. remains just out of reach for a long time, half an hour, an hour, 90 minutes or so..during which I am just scratching around looking for the unity of myself.
the trouble is that at night at times..during the night..a lot become clear in my mind. the trick is to get up and write it down. I never can do that..I have not succeeded at that yet. oh man!.. at times I wake up and I still know, am still clear but I remain uncollected. at times micturation is urgent. I return and sit. attempt to collect and start to write but I cant do it straight. I type gibgerish. I have the spelling program turned on and the page becomes red with error. I must give up and just sit.
at times I fall asleep sitting-up... but I just got up. I wake an hour, and a half, 2 hours later. leg asleep,, hand caught in a bad position and asleep etc., painful. but I am better..collected quicker this time..in minutes I am doing stuff I could not do at the original rouse.
but in all the separation of myself it was not unpleasant for the most part.. there-in is always and intense huge element of frustration..and anger. I get angry being unable to do what I want to do, not in control of myself. but it is not an unpleasant feeling overall. indeed I stretch and yawn a whole lot but due to the fact that I am often very fit the physical report is nice.
the feeling is not unlike what we used to call 'Niggeritis' back in the day...a feeling we used to get after lunch on most days. but that must have been a function of eating too much at lunch. whoever we are, Black people 'prolly' never ate at lunch time as an evolutionary fact. placed in a different social reality different cultural rules our bodies took its sweet time adjusting. and one of the adjustments was to exude a serious physical lassitude after eating a meal at a time when we never ate before. it is a sweet lassitude, enticing and makes you sleep at midday..right where the new cultural rules require you to return to work..when you 'prolly' slept in old times, historical time, due to the heat of the day being at its apex during what we call lunch
so here I am right now in the grip of this type of lassitude that is not a product of a big lunch at the wrong time of day, sweet, tantalizing lassitude but angry and frustrated that I cant do what I want..or to do what I want to do as well as I can do it. I have been up for 45 minutes at least.. I am now coming back under control physically. but I have been typing away anyway for at lest 20 minutes. the page in front of me is red with error to be corrected. so if you receive this it has undergone a huge corrective process even as short as it is. I would have waded through taking an hour or so, stunned at what my incoherence has produced on the page. "Man! I was really out of it!'. but I have retained a good sense of what my intent was, what I wanted to say, so the correction is near enough to what I meant.
I am going to do research on this today to see if there is a way to get rid of, or to mitigate this problem. maybe I should to stop sleeping at night but to do so during the day.
but I am starting to dislimn a kind of pattern in i...my existential ruction so to speak early in the morning. to dislimn...as if the answer is far away, spatial distances, with an appearance at the end far off I just begin to make out, an appearance of a path through the fog, not to clear the fog just a way through
as I said it is not a terrible feeling just almost complete incomprehension, or more like an inability to do anything with my body. at the end of it,it is like getting out of the freeze the dentist puts on your gum to extract a tooth..hard, painful but soon out of it...a promise of control and dexterity again...I can do things once more..coherent things. wayyyyyyyy! small mercies can be wonderful ]
I have things to do and I want to get to them but I am never there. I have no control over myself..my intellect that is. I have some: I am lucid, aware, thoughtful, moving good. I go get a bite, a drink but my body..my mind.. remains just out of reach for a long time, half an hour, an hour, 90 minutes or so..during which I am just scratching around looking for the unity of myself.
the trouble is that at night at times..during the night..a lot become clear in my mind. the trick is to get up and write it down. I never can do that..I have not succeeded at that yet. oh man!.. at times I wake up and I still know, am still clear but I remain uncollected. at times micturation is urgent. I return and sit. attempt to collect and start to write but I cant do it straight. I type gibgerish. I have the spelling program turned on and the page becomes red with error. I must give up and just sit.
at times I fall asleep sitting-up... but I just got up. I wake an hour, and a half, 2 hours later. leg asleep,, hand caught in a bad position and asleep etc., painful. but I am better..collected quicker this time..in minutes I am doing stuff I could not do at the original rouse.
but in all the separation of myself it was not unpleasant for the most part.. there-in is always and intense huge element of frustration..and anger. I get angry being unable to do what I want to do, not in control of myself. but it is not an unpleasant feeling overall. indeed I stretch and yawn a whole lot but due to the fact that I am often very fit the physical report is nice.
the feeling is not unlike what we used to call 'Niggeritis' back in the day...a feeling we used to get after lunch on most days. but that must have been a function of eating too much at lunch. whoever we are, Black people 'prolly' never ate at lunch time as an evolutionary fact. placed in a different social reality different cultural rules our bodies took its sweet time adjusting. and one of the adjustments was to exude a serious physical lassitude after eating a meal at a time when we never ate before. it is a sweet lassitude, enticing and makes you sleep at midday..right where the new cultural rules require you to return to work..when you 'prolly' slept in old times, historical time, due to the heat of the day being at its apex during what we call lunch
so here I am right now in the grip of this type of lassitude that is not a product of a big lunch at the wrong time of day, sweet, tantalizing lassitude but angry and frustrated that I cant do what I want..or to do what I want to do as well as I can do it. I have been up for 45 minutes at least.. I am now coming back under control physically. but I have been typing away anyway for at lest 20 minutes. the page in front of me is red with error to be corrected. so if you receive this it has undergone a huge corrective process even as short as it is. I would have waded through taking an hour or so, stunned at what my incoherence has produced on the page. "Man! I was really out of it!'. but I have retained a good sense of what my intent was, what I wanted to say, so the correction is near enough to what I meant.
I am going to do research on this today to see if there is a way to get rid of, or to mitigate this problem. maybe I should to stop sleeping at night but to do so during the day.
but I am starting to dislimn a kind of pattern in i...my existential ruction so to speak early in the morning. to dislimn...as if the answer is far away, spatial distances, with an appearance at the end far off I just begin to make out, an appearance of a path through the fog, not to clear the fog just a way through
as I said it is not a terrible feeling just almost complete incomprehension, or more like an inability to do anything with my body. at the end of it,it is like getting out of the freeze the dentist puts on your gum to extract a tooth..hard, painful but soon out of it...a promise of control and dexterity again...I can do things once more..coherent things. wayyyyyyyy! small mercies can be wonderful ]
